Here I come, out of the clear blue, or aptly, gray lately.

I know I promised at the end of my previous post that I would be back to bore everyone that remembers this blog exists with what things are rocking my boat currently. I swore to return to my blogging duties I’ve been shirking. It’s been a month now but here I am.

It took divine intervention to get me to shave this morning

I have no excuses. I stated when I started this blog that I wanted to see how long it would hold my fleeting interest and see if I could stick with it if I liked it. I like it. It’s been rewarding to vent, to get some ideas out, flex my writing muscle a wee bit. Hell, I’ve even gotten some positive feedback from friends both new and old that they have enjoyed reading along. Yet somehow I don’t DO it. Instead, I filter writing time to the bottom of my agenda each day until weeks go by and I rarely log in, dodging some self-induced guilt for not keeping up on an experiment that surely proves what maybe I knew all along – that Shawn can’t follow through on anything on his own.

I’m coaxed, poked, prodded, bribed, coerced into completing tasks. I’m lured forward, eyes up, perpetually chasing that carrot. This project is for ME though. There’s no monetary motivation, no grade, no commission. No pressure. Is it time? I’ll schedule it! So, I set todo’s on my phone to post and ignore them. Ah, perhaps convenience? Maybe if I download the WordPress app on my iPhone I’ll post more – it’ll be right in my pocket! It now lies on my 3rd page of apps where i put my least used, with the icons I can’t erase. What is it then?

This is the only aspect I miss of the drinking days, just doing. I mean I was doing all the wrong things, and the right things badly (or half assed?) Point being, I acted. I did. I didn’t fret and second guess and agonize, I took my bad, self destructive ideas and DID them with little recourse as to how it effected anything (myself or anyone else) – making me a huge asshole, albeit a driven one.

So why can’t I do that now, with my good ideas? With my head on straight, a clever plan, and keen grasp of what’s to gain and what’s at stake, could I forge forward effortlessly, faith restored, a man on a mission? Apparently not. Instead I quibble and shrink, inert. Like Hamlet, endlessly stewing on whether he should or should not.

Breathe, just breathe.

I can’t ever seem to let myself just flow. I mentioned a while back the reason I’d lost touch with friends because I continually put off calling them for when the magical time arrives where I deem i have enough time set aside to catch up. When exactly is that time?

I’m constantly holding my breath. Waiting for the right time to jump. I do it in every aspect of my life it seems. Why is now never the perfect time to start going to the gym? The right time to open myself to dating someone should be NOW shouldn’t it? Do I want/need another 10 years to fly by before i make any more artwork? Maybe I should hang back though and wait for the time to be right, for things to be just so, for the idealized situation to simply present itself like a burning bush that screams “GET ON WITH IT!”

It took the imaginary line in the sand of the promise of a New Year that could only be better than the last for me to actually make the leap into sobriety. This year on New Year’s Day I started the diet plan I’ve been on that’s lead me to lose 14lbs so far. I’ve seen some gains. I have improved my situation in the past by moving forward with a plan.. when i actually let myself. Now to capture that spirit, incorporate it into all tasks big and small.

On the upside though, I didn’t intend on this being the topic of my post today. It just came. And I’ll take it. Now, if I can get out of my own way long enough, I’ll try and let my life and my blog posts about said life flow a little more easily. I’ll be back soon with a post with a fuckin point I promise.